Some Babel Antics

To give you some idea of the hazards of the Chinese language,here is a conversation I had during lunch in the eatery next to my hotel in Shanghai this year. I translate the conversation literally:

Jan: You good!

Waitress: You good

Jan: Exist Dynasty Cotton?

Waitress: I Not Bright White ( I don’t understand)

( I change tones to try and make myself understood)

Jan: Exist Damp Hibernation?

Waitress ( starts grinning):  I not realise

Jan: You have Bird’s Nest Childbirth?

Waitress (giggling uncontrollably): Not Have!

Jan ( increasingly frustrated): Sarcastic Bread??

Waitress: EHHH??

Jan: YOU HAVE MOCK CORONATION???

Waitress has thrombosis of mirth, dissolves into such laughter that the manager stares over from his smoke-filled nebula.

Resigned to my fate, I get out my dictionary and point to the characters.

Waitress (wiping tears): Oh! You want Fried Noodles!  You not say why????

Jan ( sighing, resigned): Good, Transcribe Bashful please, and one bottle Spleen Nine